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On the Eve of Destruction

Harold Camping in 2008

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Family Radio Worldwide, under the direction of Harold Camping, is predicting Judgment Day will arrive tomorrow May 21st.  This ridiculous claim has been broadcast all over the world and has served as great material for the late night comedians.  One of my physical education students asked me today if I believed the world was going to end tomorrow.  I told him to ask me on Monday.  He walked away with a confused look on his face.

Harold Camping claims the Bible has clearly communicated May 20, 2011 as the Day of Judgment and those who doubt refuse to accept the clear teachings of the scriptures.  I have an in-depth theological word for Mr. Camping, “Baloney!”  Nowhere in the Bible do we see any verses indicating the exact date for the Day of Judgment.  In fact the Bible expressly teaches this date is only known to God (Matt. 24:36).  Unless Camping is God, he is out of luck or shall we say, out to lunch.

People who follow and believe this sort of garbage need to learn to read the Bible for themselves.  All scripture is from God but people need the knowledge and the tools to interpret it wisely.  And they need the understanding to reject an individual like Harold Camping.  The Jehovah Witnesses and other groups have been making predications for the return of Jesus for years with no success.  It got so bad they had to say he returned invisibly in 1914.  Nice try Mr. and Mrs. Jehovah Witness.

My nephew Jason Reeves got into the spirit of the moment and today wrote his humorous take on the prediction.  I enjoyed it so much I thought I’d share it with you on the eve of destruction.

Friends,

Since Harold Camping has proclaimed to the world that this Saturday, May 21st, 2011, is the end of days, i.e. Rapture; I have decided I need to put some of my affairs in order just in case he gets it right….

So, first of all, let’s talk about credit: I think it’s high time to take out a ludicrous mortgage with a balloon payment the size of New Hampshire’s GDP.  I may only get to spend one night in some nouveaueuroclassicalmaximansion, but hey, I’m not paying the bill, either, right?  Make sure the walk-in closet is no less than 2,000 square feet.  Send in a case of Miller; I’m going to live the High Life!

And speaking of credit, I still get notices from a ton of banks that think that my teacher’s salary is ripe for picking, (the disposable income is so overflowing the children are drowning in it, HAH!); well, the joke’s on them, because I’m going to apply immediately for max credit and then it’s Ro-Day-Oh Drive for the afternoon!  I’ll try everything on, cut off the tags (to make sure that some atheist/sinner doesn’t take my stuff back after I’m gone), and enjoy that fact that my last day with my family will be spent in a $10,000.00, professionally-stained, artistically-torn, track suit that is waaaay too tight.

As a concession for the truth, I’m going to tell everyone what I really think of them.  I’m going to Heaven with a clear conscious, ready for God.  That’s right!  If you’ve been a contestant on Judge Judy, you’re getting a letter from me recommending your immediate sterilization.  The end times will be bad enough without you reproducing yourself on Earth.  Then again…watching them for the 1,000 year tribulation from my cloud in Heaven might be entertaining.  Ok, never mind, I’m on the fence about that one.

Oh yeah, it’s about time to try that KFC heartacular special which is the two deep-fried chicken breasts sandwiching ham, bacon, and cheese.  I’m not going to live long enough to have a heart attack, acid reflux, or intestinal cancer; so, bring it on!  Maybe I can get some uber-bacon cheeseburgers!  Ah heck, let’s just get a spoon and some lard; it’s gonna be a party!

Unfortunately, I will never get the chance to finish Ulysses by James Joyce.  I don’t think I’m going to get through 700 pages by Saturday afternoon.  I’m depressed about that, but I’m sure that Amazon.com delivers to Heaven.  Ok, maybe a manic-depressive Irishman’s social commentary/ranting isn’t your idea of Heaven, but you’re probably not going anyway, sinner!

I have one day to take up a new sport, so <drumroll>: Golf!  Nothing against those people who play golf now, mind, I’ve never started because I know how difficult it is to play and how time-consuming it is to get good and make that time worthwhile.  That’s exactly why this is the perfect time to learn to play.  After watching commercial after commercial during tournaments I have decided to do the American thing by buying an incredibly expensive set of clubs that I will never use.  Then, when before the Judgment Seat, God asks me that all-important question, “What’s your handicap?” I can blame my lack of skill on the clubs and that I never got a chance to play well because of the equipment.  Gold star, baby!

I am regretting that I never streaked naked across a sporting event.  Well, if you’re watching ESPN tomorrow, you may see my less-than-spectacular 40-year old broken body.  Or rather, more of it than you would have liked.  I don’t think this will keep me out of Heaven, because the sight if me is probably going to cause most people to drop to their knees in prayer.  Not in a good way, but hey I’m not proud (that’s a major sin) and prayer is prayer.  God will thank me later!

I’m trying to think of what else might get me in good but alas, as I end this list, I am actually a bit depressed.  I forgot that I am Catholic and according to the literature, that disqualifies me from God’s team in many rulebooks.

Shucks.  Guess I’ll just have to live every day as if He was coming back tomorrow and pray that I’m worthy of an “Atta Boy,” at the end of it all, whenever that happens.

“But concerning that day and that hour, no man knows, not even the angels of Heaven, but the Father alone.”-Matt. 24:36

“Be alert, therefore, for you do not know the day or the hour.”-Matt. 25:13

Peace be with you,

Jason

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